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My Love For You Will Never Die…

November 21st, 2011… it was a rather warm night, humidity hung in the air clinging onto my skin despite having two fans blasting at full speed towards me.  I was feeling restless.  A check on the clock and I saw it was 2:00am.  Sleep wasn’t anywhere near and so I continued playing ‘Jungle Jewels’ on Facebook, determined to beat my last high score.  I played for another hour and then told myself that I needed to force myself to sleep so I logged out, switched off everything and prepared for bed.  Just as I laid my head on my pillow, my room door opened and mom came in to flick the light on.  The moment the light came on, I looked up at her and she said, “Ucu is gone.”  I was shocked.  All I could say was, “What???”  And she repeated those words, “Ucu is gone.”  I was stunned.  “When, how?” was all I could say.  She said that she just got the news from my grandmother and she turned and left my room without anymore explanation.  I sat stunned on my bed trying to digest what I had just heard but somehow my brain was slow in digesting the words and my heart just refused to believe what I had just heard.  I left my room and went outside to the TV room where I saw mom and dad busy on their phones making calls to God knows who.  Everything that happened after that is foggy to me.  Getting into my cousin’s car and driving off to pick up my grandmother at her place, it all seemed unreal. Even during the drive to the hospital I still couldn’t accept or believe that my beloved uncle was really gone.  Mom was already crying in the car on the drive to the hospital but I refused to cry…. I thought that by refusing to cry, all of this wouldn’t be true.  I know it was wishful thinking on my part but I had to hold on to some thread of hope no matter how flimsy that hope is.

When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the morgue.  It was only when the attendant uncovered his face and I saw him lying there that the truth finally hit me.  And that was when the tears finally came.  He looked so peaceful, like as though he was sleeping.  He even had a smile on his face.  As I touched his face and bent down to kiss him I kind of expected him to open his eyes and start teasing me for being so mushy…. but of course that didn’t happen.  His eyes remained closed, his smile remained on his face, but he was never going to wake up again.

My dear beloved uncle, Syed Feisal, was more than just an uncle to me.  He was the big brother I never had, my play mate when I was a kid, my best friend, my confidant, my protector.  With only two years separating our age gap, growing up together, we were inseparable.  There was nothing about me that he didn’t know and nothing about him that I didn’t know.  We were that close.  Unlike some, who were close when they were kids but grew apart when they start having new friends or when they reach adulthood, that was never the case between my uncle and I.  We remained close right till the very end.  Even though it’s already 11 days since his passing, I’m still struggling with the fact that he’s really gone.  I’m still not over the shock as he went so sudden.  If he had been ill and we’re all aware of it then it wouldn’t be so bad coz then it’d be easier to come to terms with his passing but he wasn’t ill!  He was complaining of chest pains around midnight, his wife took him to the hospital as he was having trouble breathing, within an hour or so, his condition suddenly worsened and next thing we knew, he breathed his last breath at around 3:00am. The doctor said that he had multi organ dysfunction, that his heart, lungs, and kidneys had stopped functioning.  But why????  How????  I guess these are the few mysteries that will always baffle us.

He’s at a better place now and I know in my heart of heart that he’s watching over us, he’s probably smiling right now watching me writing this post and struggling to put the words together to best pour out what’s in my heart.  But I know that he knows how I really feel about him.  Words are not necessary for the bond and love that we shared were spoken long ago without words.

Dearest Ucu,

Words cannot express our sadness and sense of loss as we mourn your passing.  But instead of seeing the end of things, we believe that life is an eternal journey and one of constant new beginnings.  I will remember all that you’ve told me, I will cherish all the wonderful memories and I will live my life the way that you’d want me to.  I will be strong in facing this difficult time.  I’m still numb and I will need time to be back to my normal self again but I know I will get there someday.  You may not be with us physically but your spirit lives on inside of us.  Watch over us, Ucu, and keep us safe.  I miss you terribly and my love for you is for eternity.  Rest in peace, Ucu, and may Allah be with you always.  Al-Fatihah.

I’d like to share a poem that was written in the 1930’s and it goes like this…

Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep.  I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.  When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift uplifting rush, of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft stars that shine at night.  Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

Farewell, Ucu.  Till we meet again someday, somewhere…


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My Prerogative…

Not too long ago I wrote a post in here which turned out to be a sensitive issue to some folks.  For that, I was accused of being “insensitive”, and was slammed and was condemned “repulsive”.  First of all, this is MY blog so that means that I have the right to write whatever the hell I want to in here.  I’m not forcing anyone to read what I write so if you don’t like what you see in here, hey, you know where the door is so please, let yourself out.

But you know what, as much as I don’t want to be affected by those comments, I was.  Hey, I’m only human.  I was feeling pretty bummed out, mood was down, and I lost all desire to write.  It was a shame coz I was finally starting to get a grip on my momentum.  Then, out of nowhere, help came to me in a form of a man.  Yo Mcbrian!  If you’re reading this, thank you!

Though our friendship is new, he’s done something which not many have even thought of doing ~ he made an effort to really get to know me.  He tries hard to get into my head just so he understands how my mind really works.  I really appreciate that about him; it shows that he’s genuinely interested in forming and building a strong foundation of friendship with me.  Now, that is a rare find! 

Paddy, if not for you, I would still be sitting in the den licking my wound and feeling sorry for myself.  Thanks for telling me to snap out of it and nudging me to come out again.  Thanks for the pep talk ~ I needed that.  You’re right, I shouldn’t have to apologise for doing something I love ~ writing.  It is a gift from God and I shall continue to use it for as long as He permits.

Sigh…

 

Do you guys remember

 

…the guy who went for the American Idol auditions who made it through to the Hollywood round but in the end, he didn’t make the cut.  I was surprised by the result coz I was confident his name was already carved for one of the 24 available slots for I thought he was good.  And then to see Jennifer Lopez breakdown the way she did after being the one to drop the shit on the guy… man, no one could fake that well not even someone like J.Lo.  That showed that it was probably the toughest decision the judges ever had to made that early in the season.  Have a look at the video and you’ll get the picture of what I’m talking about.

Anyway, apart from having a good tone in his voice, he also has a rare quality in him which I love ~ his ability to love unconditionally and his courage to bare his soul to the world.  It’s like, “Hey, I am in love with this woman for real.  I’m not faking it, this is my real life and not just some gimmick.” … not many people have that quality.  

 

 

… a love like that is very hard if not rare to find. 

 

Free Your Mind…

Mandy, a good friend of mine, called me earlier this evening to talk about my post.  She has been following my blog but hasn’t been leaving any comments.  She basically called to give me her comment or rather complaint.  She said that my posts are too long that she spends quite a long time reading each post since she normally uses her phone to access it.  I had to laugh hearing her remark.  I told her to use her computer the next time and then maybe she’ll see it differently.

Apart from her one complaint about my posts, we also talked about other things among which was about a few mutual friends that we share.  I’m not going to go into details on what was said but the gist of it is that there are a few of our friends who single out a couple of folks from our circle of friends and giving them something extra than what they give the rest – extra respect, extra attention, extra acknowledgement.

This isn’t the first time I had this conversation with Mandy and each time this topic comes up, I always argue about the same thing:  shouldn’t you treat all your friends the same; with the same level of respect, same kind of attention and same level of acknowledgement?  Why should someone be held on a slightly higher level just because they used to hold a so-called celebrity status once upon a time ago?  Does that make them extra special that they should be treated like some VIP?  I don’t think so.

To me, it is very simple; you should treat people how they deserve to be treated regardless of their popularity status, background or lifestyle.  Friendship doesn’t just happen, no.  It is something that you need to work on.  And of course, it takes two to tango. 

I personally don’t expect much from a friend except to receive an equal share of what I put into a friendship.  Celebrity status, good background, an impressive bank account are all not important to me.  What’s important is sincerity.  What someone brings to your personal life is equally important.  What good is having a celebrity friend when he doesn’t have the time or day for you?

So to Mandy (I know you’re reading this) and also to those who feel the need to put friends on a higher level because of their popularity status – please change your mindset.  An Average Joe would make a much better friend if he shows you the same kind of interest in you as you do in him.

Walk With Me…

When I first started this blog, I hadn’t the slightest idea or plan on where to take it.  Do I write about one specific topic and strict myself to writing just about that, or do I write a cluster of different topics which has no link whatsoever to one another?  Honestly, I had no direction in mind at all.  All I knew was that I wanted to write.  I wanted to have a channel where I could go to express my inner thoughts without really having to speak the words out loud.  Sounds like a plan, right?  Yeah, that was what I thought but it proved that it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. 

I struggled for months which led to the anniversary of the birth of my blog, and … nothing.  I struggled to even put a whole sentence together because I was struggling for ideas.  It was very frustrating. 

Tonight, while listening to the sound of the rain I was hit with an idea:  Why not I just log in and start typing whatever that’s playing on my mind and see where that takes me.  Sounds like a plan?  Well, here goes…

I had just finished checking my mail at one of the few profiles that’s accessible to me.  One of my guy friends posted something which I found interesting … about how some folks get carried away with their emotions that they sometimes forget that they are walking in the social network land; a land where people try to live their fantasy, a place where they unleash their alter-ego freely.  Yet, so many have suffered of a broken heart on that land.

Personally, I can’t grasp the idea that two complete strangers who met online either by choice or chance, who probably live miles if not countries away from each other. two people whom have never met face to face, can actually fall truly and madly in love with each other.  I understand about meeting someone who you actually ‘click’ with from the get go but ‘clicking’ and ‘falling in love’ are two very different things altogether.

As a woman, I’m not going to deny the fact that I’m a sucker for romance but no matter how romantic I may be I still wouldn’t be falling for sweet words that I read on my screen.  Talk is cheap if you have nothing to back it up with. 

I have seen my share of drama that’s been going on in that place; from very public romance to a very public break-up, catfights, you name it, I probably would have seen it.   But yet, people still keep going there.  It is after all known as a social network, so most folks go there to do just that … to socialize.  Things can get pretty intense for some who allow themselves to get too caught up with their role-playing of living their fantasy that they forget to breathe.  They get confused between their fantasy and reality.  They can’t tell what is real anymore so they choose to believe the ones that make them feel good about themselves.  Well, that’s my theory anyway. 

As for me, I’m having a blast with the cool friends I’ve made over there and avoiding all the drama.  It’s a nice place to chill with interesting individuals and I would recommend it to anyone who’s interested to check it out.  Only one rule apply … you must never forget to breathe. 😉

You are who you are…

I am someone who enjoys making new friends.  I’m not picky about their background, or what they do for a living, or how much money they make as long as they’re sincere and genuine that is fine with me.  However, in the past I have come across people who seemed genuine and sincere enough in wanting to start a friendship with me but at the same time there are some question marks about them that till today I haven’t found the answers to.

For example, there was this guy I got to know a few years ago from a local radio station.  When he and I first started talking, he seemed like a jovial guy who’s game for anything that’s fun.  He had interesting things to talk about and I really enjoyed talking to him.  Then as time went by, we started getting to know each other better and that’s when I began having questions about him.  It is normal to ask questions about the other person’s family and personal life when you want to get to know that person better and in this case I did exactly that.  However, the things that he told me about himself, his family and his past, it all sounded like something that he made up to try to impress me.

In one of our conversations I told him that I’ve always been fascinated by ‘bad boys’ for I find them a lot more interesting and unpredictable.  It’s the sense of ‘adventure’ that thrills me more than anything; to expect the unexpected and to be surprised of the unknown.  And because I shared with him this piece of information about myself, he suddenly painted himself a picture of someone who was so notorious in the past, someone with a dangerous edge who has done things which normal respectable guy wouldn’t even dream of doing.  I asked him to give me an example of the things that he had done in the past and when he did I just shook my head in disbelief because it sounded like he was describing a character from some novel or movie.

He also told me that he was self-employed and that he’s made his millions through his businesses, that he owned a luxurious condo overlooking the ocean on one of the islands here, drives an expensive car, even claimed that he owns a boat!  I was impressed by this knowledge because I thought that this was a man who was dedicated and hardworking.  But imagine my surprise when I used to call him on his phone and found him working as a checkout guy at a mini market when he’s supposed to be working at his own business place!  When I asked him about it he told me that he was just ‘helping’ a friend.  I also found it absurd for him to be renting a small room to live in when he supposedly have this luxurious condo, and also for him to be riding a kapchai when he supposedly own an expensive car!  Nothing that he’s told me seemed to fit.

I’ve known this guy for a few years now and till today he’s still sticking to his story no matter how bizarre it sounds.  Why do people lie and make up stories about themselves to impress others?  Is their self-esteem really that low that they feel if they were to be themselves others would not accept them?  Don’t they realise that to cover a lie they would have to come up with another lie and at the end of the day it will all be nothing but just a bunch of lies?     

Every Sunday I look forward to reading the Starmag page of The Star newspaper and my favourite column is the Heart & Soul where it’s divided into two sections.  One section is usually about some heart warming story sent in by the public while the other section is a “Dear Thelma” column where people write in with all kinds of personal problems hoping that dear Thelma would shed some light for them.

I remember reading sometime in February about this guy who wrote in about his very messy life.  He’s a married man who is in love with another woman who is also a married woman.  According to this guy, he and his lover had everything – love, purpose, passion, companionship and a wonderful sex life.  He also mentioned that her husband lives abroad but didn’t say where his wife is located.

Two sons were born from their steamy love affair but both sons carry her husband’s name (the husband must either be really dense or totally clueless to not realise that the boys are not his kids) and because this bloke is not all that financially stable she turns to her husband for financial support. 

After the first son was born she took the boy abroad for a holiday to meet his ‘father’.  While she was away visiting her husband this guy had a fling which he claimed was solely for sex.  Then when she came back and found out, all hell broke loose but they continued to live together under the same roof.

Somewhere along the line, an old schoolmate of the woman (who is a lesbian) showed up and the two women started getting close.  She then told him that she’s starting to have feelings for her lesbian friend and out of anger he up and left their home.  He thought that by doing that she would come to her senses and break away from the lesbian but boy was he wrong!  She immediately asked her lesbian friend to move in with her and her sons.

Now this dude’s dilemma is not only having to deal with the fact that her husband is coming back for a holiday soon but also the fact that she has told him that she’s going to have a heart to heart talk with her husband about her relationship with her lesbian lover.  He said that he’s flummoxed and going bonkers as he doesn’t know what to do to get her back.

I have heard of quite a number of crazy affairs but I think this one takes the cake.  I mean, what was this guy thinking keeping a wife on the sideline and living with another woman and fathering her children?  Where does his wife fit into all this?  From the sound of it, it seems like he doesn’t give two hoots about his wife’s feelings at all so why doesn’t he end her misery by letting her go so that she can get on with her life?  And if he really loves this woman and his sons like what he claimed, why not be a man and face his responsibilities instead of having a sleazy affair with her on the sly?  If the truth comes out one day that he is the father of the two boys, what then? 

Personally, I feel that both the guy and the woman are selfish and irresponsible people who only think of themselves and their needs.  And the way I look at it, I don’t think what they have is love … lust is more likely.

spreading love...

I was chatting online with a dear friend of mine a couple of hours ago, catching up with each other and finding out how she’s been doing (she’s been off the radar for almost a year) and after talking to her I decided to dedicate this post as a tribute to her.

Tia is the youngest child of two siblings, born in a wealthy and influential family.  Since the day she was born she was exposed to a life of luxury; she attended the best private schools, she was rubbing shoulders with the elite society, had her own personal maids to tend to her every need, in short, she was living like royalty.  One would think that having everything that money can buy would make her an irresponsible, spoilt brat who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself but she is nothing like that.   

She has money as well as good looks and she was spotted by a talent scout when she was 15 which eventually had launched her modelling career.  She started getting lots of jobs doing commercials and that’s when she started having problems in school – instead of becoming more likeable, kids in school resented her.  She was often picked on in school by bullies (some of them got quite violent) and that was when she started to think that there was something wrong with her.  She started detaching herself from the other kids in school and also from her family.  She grew up feeling very lonely.  Things got really bad at a point that instead of talking things over with her family she decided to take matters into her own hands by cutting herself.  She felt that if she was scarred then maybe the other kids would accept her and she won’t be alone anymore.  This problem of hers went on for a few years and it only ended when she finally reached out to her family and admitting to them that she needed help.  A lot of work was done on her, a lot of money was spent to heal her and eventually it all paid off.  When she turned 18, she started modelling internationally.  Her job took her all over the world and she was basically living out of a suitcase most of the time. 

Although life as a model is interesting and exciting she still found something was missing in her life – love.  Sure, she did her share of dating over the years but because she’s never at one place long enough all she had were casual dates and not someone whom she can call her boyfriend.  Desperate, two years ago she signed up to a social network and there she met someone whom she thought she could start a relationship with.   

Her relationship with that guy went on well at first; he was very attentive, caring, loving, and he seemed to be very understanding as well.  They carried on with this relationship for about a year via the social network without having spoken to each other on the phone or meeting face to face (he was in Malaysia while she was all over the world) though they did have plans to meet someday.

She was in the midst of doing another commercial job in New Zealand when I got a call from her sister saying that Tia was very ill and that her parents were making plans on bringing her back to America for treatment.  Tia had brain tumour. 

Tia was sent to a private hospital owned by a family friend where she was immediately operated on.  I can’t remember exactly how long the surgery took but it was a successful even though they had a touch and go moment during the surgery.  Her sister also contacted the guy Tia was involved with at the social network to inform him of her condition but instead of being concerned about her well-being, he was pushing for Tia to acknowledge her feelings for him to her family.  He even started to pressure her about marriage.  Needless to say, she broke it off with him.  She was devastated and looked upon herself as a failure.

While she was recuperating at the hospital, she became very close to the neuro-surgeon who operated on her.  He had been spending a lot of time by her bedside talking to her and getting to know her.  Through him, she found the strength to fight her disease, the courage to stay strong, and the will to live.  And today, at 29, she’s finally found love in the true meaning of the word. 

She’s been cancer free for over six months now but she still goes for her regular check ups.  She has her good days and her bad days but she’s determined to live her life to the fullest for she feels that she’s been given another chance in life.

Tia, you inspire me.  May you have many more miracles in your life.

Tia Soeraya

Then and Now…

It’s the 10th season of American Idol and I’ve been hooked on the show ever since it was brought to our shores during the 3rd season.  Over the years, I’ve made it a point not to miss a single performance show or the result show and this year is no different.

As I was watching the result show this evening with my mom, I can’t help but appreciate the changes they’ve made in their format.  Getting Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler as judges was a good move for they’re are also performers so they know first hand what the business is really like plus they can relate better to the anxiety and nervousness of the contestants.  It may be easy for us viewers to criticise the contestants in their singing skills but try doing it yourself in front of a big audience and on national TV and I bet we’ll be shitting bricks as well!

I also think it’s a very brilliant idea to get music Producers involved this year to work with the contestants as this gives them a chance to experience and know what it’s really like to be working with professionals on a professional level, in a real studio instead of just sitting in some cosy living room with a piano to accompany their singing.  This is also an opportunity for them to be ‘noticed’ by record Producers – should they enough potential to be the next singing sensation.

Looking at this year’s top 13 hopefuls, I have to say that I favour the guys more as I feel that they have more to bring to the table; they are a lot more daring in taking risks.  The girls tend to be ‘safe’ by remaining in their comfort zone, which can get a bit boring after awhile.

Like previous years, I tend to make my own predictions on who’s going to be booted out at the result show and my predictions this year has been quite spot on so far – I expected the first two to go would be girls and I was right.  The girls really need to step up in their game and they need to do it fast or all of them will be sent home one by one each week.  As for the boys, I like all of them except Jacob Lusk and that’s because I can only take so much of his gospel sound.  I mean, taking a Heart song, “Alone”, and singing it gospel style..?  Come on….

Looking back at all the past top 12 or 13, how many of them have really made it in the music business as successful international recording artistes?  Not many.  Okay, maybe it’s not fair to expect them to flourish into international recording artistes but really, how many of them have made it big in America?  Not that many either.  People like LaToya Jackson, Constantine Maroulis and Justin Guerrini have ventured into broadway.  Why?  Because maybe there isn’t a place for them in the recording industry.  And that is sad because they all auditioned for American Idol with high hopes of becoming successful recording artistes.

In the past, they have picked contestants who can sing well and some are easy on the eyes to have a showdown and sing according to the themes they’ve decided upon each week.  And each week we’ll hear comments like, “You sound like you’re singing on a cruise ship” by Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson will be trying to sound hip and cool by calling everyone “Dogg”, while Paula Abdul will come up with all the fancy and big words which can sometimes boggle someone’s mind.  What were they trying to prove?  How were they helping the contestants and the show?  And where was the direction they were going in finding a star?  I’m just glad that the brains behind American Idol have finally woken up and realise that some serious changes need to be made if they hope to find a worthy recording artiste who knows the path they want to be in musically.  Without this change, American Idol would be just another singing competition with a bunch of people who can sing well and personally, I don’t think that is enough for a reality show this big a scale.

That thing called “love”….

It’s been a long while since I last wrote anything in here …. a few good friends have asked why, one even asked if the world had suddenly stopped!  Hahahaha!!!!  To be honest, I just didn’t have anything to write about.  Then this morning I woke up to the sounds of The Lite Breakfast Show where the morning duo were talking about what I thought was quite an interesting and appropriate topic (considering the timing) …. they say that women feel that men don’t say “I love you” enough to their partner.  The duo had quite a good response from their listeners who called up, more than willing to share their two cents worth and also to share some of their own personal experience.  One guy said that he’d rather show it by gestures rather than saying those 3 words everyday just for the sake of saying them, he even said that if wifey insist on hearing those words everyday than he might as well just record his voice repeating those words over and over again and then give it to her so that whenever she needs to hear them words then all she needs to do is just play the tape.  Hahaha!!!  I thought that was sarcastically funny but hey, the dude made a lot of sense 🙂

With today being the eve of Valentine’s, and not to mention it’s also my wedding anniversary, I’m definitely feeling love in the air, which kinda inspired me to drop some words in here tonight. 

I’ve been spending quite a number of my adultlife wondering about that thing called “love”.  It’s such a simple word but how much do we really understand the true depth of the meaning of the word?  And….is it even possible to “fall out of love”?  The way I look at it, if you were to “fall in love” with someone then some years later you break up with the person and say it’s coz “you’ve fallen out of love” …. then it wasn’t love in the first place.  Love doesn’t have an expiry date for love is a special bond built by two people who have a special closeness towards each other.  I’ve also realised that it isn’t possible to stop loving someone.  Couples may break up, friends may drift apart, time and life may get in the mix but if love was built somewhere it is always gonna be there.  Which brings me back to the topic I heard on radio this morning …. I totally agree with the caller’s comment coz at the end of the day, it’s the quality that truly matters and not so much the quantity.

I”m dedicating this post to the people I love …. To my best friend, my soulmate, my other half …. Happy Anniversary, baby!!!  We made it through another year.  Woohoo!!!  🙂  To my best friend, my confidant, my mother …. you mean everything to me.  I love you, Mom!!!  To my pillar, my strength, my Grandmother …. it’s partly becoz of you that I am who I am today.  Thank you. 

Lastly, to my extended family, my brothers and sisters ~ Mandy, MAG, Zul, Marty, Arthur, Pat, Cash, Steve, Mubarak …. we’ve come a quite a long way since those “good ol’ days”.  I’m happy to know that the bond that was built among us through a radio show didn’t go out the window after the show’s over.  Thank you, guys, for being my family …. love you all!