Category: love

My Love For You Will Never Die…

November 21st, 2011… it was a rather warm night, humidity hung in the air clinging onto my skin despite having two fans blasting at full speed towards me.  I was feeling restless.  A check on the clock and I saw it was 2:00am.  Sleep wasn’t anywhere near and so I continued playing ‘Jungle Jewels’ on Facebook, determined to beat my last high score.  I played for another hour and then told myself that I needed to force myself to sleep so I logged out, switched off everything and prepared for bed.  Just as I laid my head on my pillow, my room door opened and mom came in to flick the light on.  The moment the light came on, I looked up at her and she said, “Ucu is gone.”  I was shocked.  All I could say was, “What???”  And she repeated those words, “Ucu is gone.”  I was stunned.  “When, how?” was all I could say.  She said that she just got the news from my grandmother and she turned and left my room without anymore explanation.  I sat stunned on my bed trying to digest what I had just heard but somehow my brain was slow in digesting the words and my heart just refused to believe what I had just heard.  I left my room and went outside to the TV room where I saw mom and dad busy on their phones making calls to God knows who.  Everything that happened after that is foggy to me.  Getting into my cousin’s car and driving off to pick up my grandmother at her place, it all seemed unreal. Even during the drive to the hospital I still couldn’t accept or believe that my beloved uncle was really gone.  Mom was already crying in the car on the drive to the hospital but I refused to cry…. I thought that by refusing to cry, all of this wouldn’t be true.  I know it was wishful thinking on my part but I had to hold on to some thread of hope no matter how flimsy that hope is.

When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the morgue.  It was only when the attendant uncovered his face and I saw him lying there that the truth finally hit me.  And that was when the tears finally came.  He looked so peaceful, like as though he was sleeping.  He even had a smile on his face.  As I touched his face and bent down to kiss him I kind of expected him to open his eyes and start teasing me for being so mushy…. but of course that didn’t happen.  His eyes remained closed, his smile remained on his face, but he was never going to wake up again.

My dear beloved uncle, Syed Feisal, was more than just an uncle to me.  He was the big brother I never had, my play mate when I was a kid, my best friend, my confidant, my protector.  With only two years separating our age gap, growing up together, we were inseparable.  There was nothing about me that he didn’t know and nothing about him that I didn’t know.  We were that close.  Unlike some, who were close when they were kids but grew apart when they start having new friends or when they reach adulthood, that was never the case between my uncle and I.  We remained close right till the very end.  Even though it’s already 11 days since his passing, I’m still struggling with the fact that he’s really gone.  I’m still not over the shock as he went so sudden.  If he had been ill and we’re all aware of it then it wouldn’t be so bad coz then it’d be easier to come to terms with his passing but he wasn’t ill!  He was complaining of chest pains around midnight, his wife took him to the hospital as he was having trouble breathing, within an hour or so, his condition suddenly worsened and next thing we knew, he breathed his last breath at around 3:00am. The doctor said that he had multi organ dysfunction, that his heart, lungs, and kidneys had stopped functioning.  But why????  How????  I guess these are the few mysteries that will always baffle us.

He’s at a better place now and I know in my heart of heart that he’s watching over us, he’s probably smiling right now watching me writing this post and struggling to put the words together to best pour out what’s in my heart.  But I know that he knows how I really feel about him.  Words are not necessary for the bond and love that we shared were spoken long ago without words.

Dearest Ucu,

Words cannot express our sadness and sense of loss as we mourn your passing.  But instead of seeing the end of things, we believe that life is an eternal journey and one of constant new beginnings.  I will remember all that you’ve told me, I will cherish all the wonderful memories and I will live my life the way that you’d want me to.  I will be strong in facing this difficult time.  I’m still numb and I will need time to be back to my normal self again but I know I will get there someday.  You may not be with us physically but your spirit lives on inside of us.  Watch over us, Ucu, and keep us safe.  I miss you terribly and my love for you is for eternity.  Rest in peace, Ucu, and may Allah be with you always.  Al-Fatihah.

I’d like to share a poem that was written in the 1930’s and it goes like this…

Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep.  I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.  When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift uplifting rush, of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft stars that shine at night.  Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

Farewell, Ucu.  Till we meet again someday, somewhere…




Do you guys remember


…the guy who went for the American Idol auditions who made it through to the Hollywood round but in the end, he didn’t make the cut.  I was surprised by the result coz I was confident his name was already carved for one of the 24 available slots for I thought he was good.  And then to see Jennifer Lopez breakdown the way she did after being the one to drop the shit on the guy… man, no one could fake that well not even someone like J.Lo.  That showed that it was probably the toughest decision the judges ever had to made that early in the season.  Have a look at the video and you’ll get the picture of what I’m talking about.

Anyway, apart from having a good tone in his voice, he also has a rare quality in him which I love ~ his ability to love unconditionally and his courage to bare his soul to the world.  It’s like, “Hey, I am in love with this woman for real.  I’m not faking it, this is my real life and not just some gimmick.” … not many people have that quality.  



… a love like that is very hard if not rare to find.