Category: personal


My Love For You Will Never Die…

November 21st, 2011… it was a rather warm night, humidity hung in the air clinging onto my skin despite having two fans blasting at full speed towards me.  I was feeling restless.  A check on the clock and I saw it was 2:00am.  Sleep wasn’t anywhere near and so I continued playing ‘Jungle Jewels’ on Facebook, determined to beat my last high score.  I played for another hour and then told myself that I needed to force myself to sleep so I logged out, switched off everything and prepared for bed.  Just as I laid my head on my pillow, my room door opened and mom came in to flick the light on.  The moment the light came on, I looked up at her and she said, “Ucu is gone.”  I was shocked.  All I could say was, “What???”  And she repeated those words, “Ucu is gone.”  I was stunned.  “When, how?” was all I could say.  She said that she just got the news from my grandmother and she turned and left my room without anymore explanation.  I sat stunned on my bed trying to digest what I had just heard but somehow my brain was slow in digesting the words and my heart just refused to believe what I had just heard.  I left my room and went outside to the TV room where I saw mom and dad busy on their phones making calls to God knows who.  Everything that happened after that is foggy to me.  Getting into my cousin’s car and driving off to pick up my grandmother at her place, it all seemed unreal. Even during the drive to the hospital I still couldn’t accept or believe that my beloved uncle was really gone.  Mom was already crying in the car on the drive to the hospital but I refused to cry…. I thought that by refusing to cry, all of this wouldn’t be true.  I know it was wishful thinking on my part but I had to hold on to some thread of hope no matter how flimsy that hope is.

When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the morgue.  It was only when the attendant uncovered his face and I saw him lying there that the truth finally hit me.  And that was when the tears finally came.  He looked so peaceful, like as though he was sleeping.  He even had a smile on his face.  As I touched his face and bent down to kiss him I kind of expected him to open his eyes and start teasing me for being so mushy…. but of course that didn’t happen.  His eyes remained closed, his smile remained on his face, but he was never going to wake up again.

My dear beloved uncle, Syed Feisal, was more than just an uncle to me.  He was the big brother I never had, my play mate when I was a kid, my best friend, my confidant, my protector.  With only two years separating our age gap, growing up together, we were inseparable.  There was nothing about me that he didn’t know and nothing about him that I didn’t know.  We were that close.  Unlike some, who were close when they were kids but grew apart when they start having new friends or when they reach adulthood, that was never the case between my uncle and I.  We remained close right till the very end.  Even though it’s already 11 days since his passing, I’m still struggling with the fact that he’s really gone.  I’m still not over the shock as he went so sudden.  If he had been ill and we’re all aware of it then it wouldn’t be so bad coz then it’d be easier to come to terms with his passing but he wasn’t ill!  He was complaining of chest pains around midnight, his wife took him to the hospital as he was having trouble breathing, within an hour or so, his condition suddenly worsened and next thing we knew, he breathed his last breath at around 3:00am. The doctor said that he had multi organ dysfunction, that his heart, lungs, and kidneys had stopped functioning.  But why????  How????  I guess these are the few mysteries that will always baffle us.

He’s at a better place now and I know in my heart of heart that he’s watching over us, he’s probably smiling right now watching me writing this post and struggling to put the words together to best pour out what’s in my heart.  But I know that he knows how I really feel about him.  Words are not necessary for the bond and love that we shared were spoken long ago without words.

Dearest Ucu,

Words cannot express our sadness and sense of loss as we mourn your passing.  But instead of seeing the end of things, we believe that life is an eternal journey and one of constant new beginnings.  I will remember all that you’ve told me, I will cherish all the wonderful memories and I will live my life the way that you’d want me to.  I will be strong in facing this difficult time.  I’m still numb and I will need time to be back to my normal self again but I know I will get there someday.  You may not be with us physically but your spirit lives on inside of us.  Watch over us, Ucu, and keep us safe.  I miss you terribly and my love for you is for eternity.  Rest in peace, Ucu, and may Allah be with you always.  Al-Fatihah.

I’d like to share a poem that was written in the 1930’s and it goes like this…

Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep.  I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.  When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift uplifting rush, of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft stars that shine at night.  Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

Farewell, Ucu.  Till we meet again someday, somewhere…


My Prerogative…

Not too long ago I wrote a post in here which turned out to be a sensitive issue to some folks.  For that, I was accused of being “insensitive”, and was slammed and was condemned “repulsive”.  First of all, this is MY blog so that means that I have the right to write whatever the hell I want to in here.  I’m not forcing anyone to read what I write so if you don’t like what you see in here, hey, you know where the door is so please, let yourself out.

But you know what, as much as I don’t want to be affected by those comments, I was.  Hey, I’m only human.  I was feeling pretty bummed out, mood was down, and I lost all desire to write.  It was a shame coz I was finally starting to get a grip on my momentum.  Then, out of nowhere, help came to me in a form of a man.  Yo Mcbrian!  If you’re reading this, thank you!

Though our friendship is new, he’s done something which not many have even thought of doing ~ he made an effort to really get to know me.  He tries hard to get into my head just so he understands how my mind really works.  I really appreciate that about him; it shows that he’s genuinely interested in forming and building a strong foundation of friendship with me.  Now, that is a rare find! 

Paddy, if not for you, I would still be sitting in the den licking my wound and feeling sorry for myself.  Thanks for telling me to snap out of it and nudging me to come out again.  Thanks for the pep talk ~ I needed that.  You’re right, I shouldn’t have to apologise for doing something I love ~ writing.  It is a gift from God and I shall continue to use it for as long as He permits.

Walk With Me…

When I first started this blog, I hadn’t the slightest idea or plan on where to take it.  Do I write about one specific topic and strict myself to writing just about that, or do I write a cluster of different topics which has no link whatsoever to one another?  Honestly, I had no direction in mind at all.  All I knew was that I wanted to write.  I wanted to have a channel where I could go to express my inner thoughts without really having to speak the words out loud.  Sounds like a plan, right?  Yeah, that was what I thought but it proved that it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. 

I struggled for months which led to the anniversary of the birth of my blog, and … nothing.  I struggled to even put a whole sentence together because I was struggling for ideas.  It was very frustrating. 

Tonight, while listening to the sound of the rain I was hit with an idea:  Why not I just log in and start typing whatever that’s playing on my mind and see where that takes me.  Sounds like a plan?  Well, here goes…

I had just finished checking my mail at one of the few profiles that’s accessible to me.  One of my guy friends posted something which I found interesting … about how some folks get carried away with their emotions that they sometimes forget that they are walking in the social network land; a land where people try to live their fantasy, a place where they unleash their alter-ego freely.  Yet, so many have suffered of a broken heart on that land.

Personally, I can’t grasp the idea that two complete strangers who met online either by choice or chance, who probably live miles if not countries away from each other. two people whom have never met face to face, can actually fall truly and madly in love with each other.  I understand about meeting someone who you actually ‘click’ with from the get go but ‘clicking’ and ‘falling in love’ are two very different things altogether.

As a woman, I’m not going to deny the fact that I’m a sucker for romance but no matter how romantic I may be I still wouldn’t be falling for sweet words that I read on my screen.  Talk is cheap if you have nothing to back it up with. 

I have seen my share of drama that’s been going on in that place; from very public romance to a very public break-up, catfights, you name it, I probably would have seen it.   But yet, people still keep going there.  It is after all known as a social network, so most folks go there to do just that … to socialize.  Things can get pretty intense for some who allow themselves to get too caught up with their role-playing of living their fantasy that they forget to breathe.  They get confused between their fantasy and reality.  They can’t tell what is real anymore so they choose to believe the ones that make them feel good about themselves.  Well, that’s my theory anyway. 

As for me, I’m having a blast with the cool friends I’ve made over there and avoiding all the drama.  It’s a nice place to chill with interesting individuals and I would recommend it to anyone who’s interested to check it out.  Only one rule apply … you must never forget to breathe. 😉